My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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