Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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