Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
zippers are such a cool invention
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
