There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You may now shotgun with the bride
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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