you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
