I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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