Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
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he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
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That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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