yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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