please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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