Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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