Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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