Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
