i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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