I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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