This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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