I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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