why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Did I show you my penis last night?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
