I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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