Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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