i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
