Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
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My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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