Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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