When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
