wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
