i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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