Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
