first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
