Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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