Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
