Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
