i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she peed on how many people?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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