i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
