Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
