What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
