I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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