Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
