How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
