Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
