we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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