I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
