i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
