No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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