She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
