I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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