There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
