My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
