i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
