i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
