hotel room ftw
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
last night I used snow as a chaser
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
