I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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