Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
