he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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