i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
