I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
