She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
