If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
