party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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