insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
