my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
